The Winter of Our Discontent

I haven’t blogged for a while, because real life. I’m sorry for leaving you all in the lurch with nothing to read but BadTennis (www.badtennis.co.za)

Let’s get to the point. Tata Nelson Mandela is in the process of shuffling off the mortal coil. We, as a nation, are going to lose our father. 

I haven’t had this piece planned for months, unlike the rest of the world’s media. An ex of mine met esteemed photographer Alf Khumalo about three years ago and he told her that “The Madiba File” had been print-ready for 5 years already at that stage, and just got updated every year.

He also told her that Miriam Makeba (Mama Africa) declined Nelson’s proposal- citing the fact that she wanted some aspects of privacy in her life. Imagine that – the father of our nation and Mama Africa. Rad. 

I read a book called “When Mandela Goes” a number of years ago, which outlined the worst possible scenario if and when Madeebs kicks the bucket. I don’t think the author could have imagined the Zuma administration, which is pretty similar to his prophecy, only looks more like a ninja turtle. 

I think it would be stating the obvious going into how Rolihlahla and his legacy have helped to shape our nation and quite possibly each of our identities as South Africans. The man is a legend. One whose values and commitment to the country I hope we can continue to emulate without him. 

In closing, I don’t want us to remember Madiba how he is now, an old man- but rather as the Black Pimpernel, the fiery young lawyer and the kickass boxer. 702 this morning asked WWMD – What would Madiba do?

My answer – kick your ass. For the country. 

 

 

2013 – A Welcome

Hello friends, strangers and people I want to fuck.

Welcome to 2013- the first year since 1320 when people scared of the numbers 20 and 13 are screwed.

I thought I’d be one of the last to welcome you to this year because you know, fashion.

Speaking of fashion- this year I predict Magenta and Floral Prints are going to be in for men, whereas the ladies are going to be going gaga for bondage gear. Its going to be a scorcher on the fashion front.

Sports-wise, the Proteas will continue to not make an impact in my life, whilst Bafana Bafana will rise to at least the bottom 7/8ths of world football teams.

The mighty Springboks will of course decimate all opponents, depending on whether they take my advice to all grow beards. Beards are power. It has been written.

On the music front, I predict that Taylor Swift and Adele will start a short-lived yet tumultuous relationship, lasting just 6 months but providing enough creative inspiration for at least 7 albums each. Expect tears.

In the political sphere, Zuma is going to reveal himself as one of the lizard-people David Icke writes about, only the Windsors and Bushes and other Illuminati lizard families will immediately disown him. This will pave the way for our own burger king, Cyril, to apply the MacDonalds way of thinking to our government. Of course this is SA MacD’s we’re talking about, so pretty much nothing will change.

I plan on making this, my thirtieth year on this earth, a goodie. I invite you all to join me. I’m going to be making shitloads of music this year and visiting Amsterdam in May/June, so keep reading and giving me sneaky reach-around handjobs.

Happy 2013 everyone!

Back to the Future

A sarcastic rant about politics. You have been warned.

Somewhere in the future…

So, the other day, Jesus came again. It was pretty cool- he descended in a fiery chariot, the heavenly host jamming the Imperial March, Jimi Hendrix rocking out a sweet solo, and Madiba chilling on Jesus’ right hand. Like a boss.

JC kicked some ass and took some names, and one of the first things he did was march to the Union Buildings in Pretoria, march up to the President of the ANC (and South Africa) and say: “Right! I’m back, you’ve ruled until I’ve come, and now its time to fuck off”

Mr ANC was understandably, dumbfounded. But he also had no leg to stand on, having spouted that exact same line just as many of his forbears had since the beginning of the 21st century. So he gathered up his executive toys, transferred his graft money into numbered offshore accounts, and vacated the office to HIS homestead, the 3rd or 4th private compound built for SA Heads of State since Nkandla, or Zumaville as it is known to the locals.
Rolling up in his blue-light brigade (funded with taxpayer money of course), Zumatello looked through his curtains, showered after his all-HIV positive orgy, and went to go and find out why his neighbour had assumed early occupation.

“Well Msholozi my old bean, Jesus kicked me out”
“He’s back?”
“Yep”
“Is he black?”
“More arabic.”
“Well at least he’s not white. Ne?”
“There’s that, but there are problems…”

Mr ANC explained that JC had kicked them out and that he personally would be overseeing who would rule the country next.
JZ could only mutter an extended ‘Eish’ as he quickly set up two or three companies to try and win a few last-minute tenders before the status quo was rocked and his supply of taxpayer-generated funds dried up.

Some of the problems JC outlined were:

Misrepresentation of the JC brand by the ANC, as he never supported them, or any one political party or country for that matter.

Failure to live up to His message, just about all 10 commandments were broken daily in the corridors of power, with a constant coveting of White money, which much like the Kruger Millions, had become a legend, as gainfully employed citizens were taxed to the hilt and forced to live hand-to-mouth.

Failure to live up to their promises. Now, some 30 years since overthrowing the Apartheid government (which JC conceded was a good thing and a high point in the ANC life cycle), the rich were poor, the poor were starving, and the starving ate the foreigners. Dogs were extinct (“And I really like dogs” – JC)

The mortal sin of Greed. South Africa had changed from an amazingly vibrant and beautiful place to one of barren, stark depression. OUr natural resources plundered and sold for cheap to the Chinese, our infrastructure crumbling due to rampant corruption and graft, small fort-like complexes providing shelter from the Mad Max-esque roving bands of starving transients.

The abject failure to serve the people.

As Mr ANC outlined JC’s reasons for removing the ANC from power, Jacob could not fathom how this had happened. Of course, being an idiot unable to think conceptually or in terms of the consequences of his presidency, he failed again. Failed to understand that all of this was a direct result of his term of office. He quickly got distracted by the familiar sounds of his 18 000 strong family getting into a fight about who got to shower first.

In the meantime, JC, back in Pretoria, was planning how to turn South Africa back into the Paradise he intended it to be.
Looking back at the history of the country, from when the Bantu peoples kicked the San off their land, he decided the best thing to do would be bringing back the leaders under whose guidance the country had flourished.

Using his mystical Jewish Zombie powers, he resurrected his chosen one: P W Botha.
The Groot Krokodil appeared, blinking, in his old office- unrecognisable after all these years.

“Listen up dude. I brought you back because you’re efficient, not because you’re a racist bastard. This time, there will be changes. No apartheid.”
“But..”
“NO APARTHEID PW! We need to rebuild, not destroy even further.”
“But…”
“OK, I see this won’t work, you need someone to keep you in check”

The door opened, and Madiba came in.
“PW, this is your co-president. You are both equal in all ways, you both have the power of veto and the power to change policy. Play nice.”

Madiba and PW smiled, high-fived, and set to work.

Fast-forward to five years later…

Education is free, widespread, and at a standard worthy of respect.
Corruption has been all but eliminated, and as a result there is enough money, and enough work, for every South African.
There are no potholes, the robots work, and public transport is the preferred means of getting around
After initial fear from all races, people realised you can trust other races: The whites were not being robbed and killed in their beds by ‘savage’ blacks.
The blacks were not marginalised again by having a white person in power (PW came around. Madiba Magic.)
Indians were doing their thing, and being a huge economic power within the country due to their awesome work ethic.
The Coloureds were not made to feel like they were over-represented anywhere, and were proving that they are the best of both, culturally, intellectually, they were working together.
Everyone felt safe in that fact that their leadership was working for them, the common people. They had no need to protest, no need to fear, no need to covet and hate.

What was the reason for this change? This real representation of Ubuntu and the realisation of the Dream of The Rainbow Nation.
Not Jesus. Not PW. Not Madiba.
Getting rid of inept, greedy and corrupt government.

The end.

To my fellow South Africans, we have nothing to fear from each other. We have a common enemy, and that enemy is corruption. Corruption means falling standards of education and a crippled economy, and if the current status quo continues we have no future. I love this place, and I want to raise children here. Lets make sure they inherit a South Africa poised for greatness, not failure. Use your voice, stand up for what you deserve.

On Leadership

For those of you who don’t know, when I’m not entertaining you fine folk, or other fine folk- I work in sales within a corporate organisation.
We are part of a listed group of companies and I wear a tie to work every single day. However when the work day ends, the ties (and sometimes the wheels) come off- I am a politicized, atheist, stoner party animal.

And its the politicized part of me that is pissed off.
I have been a ‘leader’ within my organisation for just over a year- and its fucking tough. The people in my team have different and unique motivators, dreams, ways of doing things, methods of thought and so forth- and as a leader I have to be cogniscent of these differences and create an environment that allows equality and for them to grow in the direction they want to. I cannot mould them to be carbon copies of me or to think and act the way I do, and I cannot scream and shout to get my way.

I have to allow my people the freedom to do things their way and to express their needs to me in an atmosphere that is conducive to openness and honesty- otherwise I will be left in the dark about their real needs and where they would like to take their careers.
Obviously this is not a free-for-all where no company objectives are met and everyone if just happy and warm and fluffy 24/7- we are all here for a purpose and commitment and achievement of goals is our driving force in my leadership style and the ethos of my company.

So it’s on me, as the leader to ensure:

1. My people are productive and meeting the needs of the organisation
2. My people are happy and are fulfilling their own needs
3. Upholding the values and goals of my department/team within the company as a whole.

The buck stops with me.

I’m not in a unique situation, the same structure and basic goals are repeated on different scales everywhere from the local supermarket to the highest level of government. Only its at these higher levels where we have a crucial key to success missing.

Leadership.

In South African politics in particular we have a huge, nay fucking MASSIVE, leadership vacuum.
I am hard pressed to think of anyone in our current political climate who I can actually look up to- and who is worthy of my respect.

Jacob Zuma is the 11th highest paid world leader. Can you just imagine if he was the 11th most effective?
Our government have a ‘me first’ attitude, with a mindset that seems to be one of self-enrichment and self-serving instead of looking out for those people they are meant to serve, and who put them in power in the first place.

Almost 20 years since they have come into power and they are still blaming the past. 20 years ago, Fourways was a few plots and a 4-way stop, hence the name. Now it takes me an hour to drive 18kms from Fourways to Sandton, because of all of the development. Yet people who have been waiting for a simple two bedroom house are still living in shacks, walking for kilometres to get clean water, and shitting in a communal longdrop.

We need a fundamental shift in the way we view our leaders, and how we hold them responsible. If they are not serving us, they need to be held accountable. Targets need to be set and achieved, and corruption, which is the cancer of South Africa, needs to be rooted out and annihilated.

I wish I had a solution as to how to do this, but all I can suggest is that each of us do our best to educate those who cannot see how South Africa and its people are being raped by a flawed system. Education is the key to emancipation, and we can all do our part.

South African Olympics

The Olympic Rings- hopefully the only burning ring you’ll ever have to see

South Africa is a funny place it is at once charming and will kick you in the ‘nads, it will delight you while it pisses down your leg, it will steal your heart and possibly your wallet. It is a land of dichotomy, humour, danger, joy, suffering, sweeping heights of success and plunging failures. I love it. It’s an exciting place to be- much more exciting than London.

Therefore, to celebrate the unique energy and make-up of South Africa- I present to you some ‘sports’ that are unique to our great country.

1. The 100m Tender Dash
Work is scarce in SA. So when an opportunity to make money arises, there is huge competition for that work. Enter the tenderpreneurs. These men and women, in the peak of physical fat-catness, spring into action moments before the tender is announced, jostling for position using quick wits, silver tongues and backhanded payments that put Federer to shame. Their preparation involves copious wining and dining of government ministers and a healthy dose of KFC grease to ease the process. These men and women are characterised by their apparent sedentary nature, until a tender is available, when they move like lightening until it is secured, then settling back into inactivity
Notable Athletes: Khulobuso Zuma, Julius Malema

2. The Medical Parole Hurdles
Crime is not so scarce in SA, corruption even less so. It seems that Spider-Man was right when he said that ‘absolute power corrupts absolutely’ In any case- it seems the entry into this event is exclusively for old ‘struggle’ heroes- those people who dedicated their lives to the downfall of the apartheid government. Training since ’94 involves tireless campaigning to get into a position of power- once this is achieved, the real competition starts. Athletes dip their hands in honey, then put their hands anywhere and everywhere they can, enriching themselves in a way that is at best questionable, at worst highly illegal only these elite sportsmen get to the pinnacle- a highly publicized exposure of their wrongdoings and a drawn out trial costing taxpayers millions. The athletes draw upon their political clout at this time, waiting until a guilty verdict is returned before developing a life-threatening illness. The best of the best go from guilty to golf course in a matter of months. This amazing feat is made possible by years of greasing the right hands and getting a doctor who is ready to give up ethics in favour of economic gain.
Notable Athletes: Shabir Shaik, Jackie Selebi

3. The Pass-the-buck Relay
We have been a democracy for 18 years. 18 years, 18 years, and on the 18th birthday he found out it wasnt his. Despite our democracy being older than half the teenage mothers in Khayalitsha, we still havent learnt to accept responsibility for our actions. Skilled athletes know that to effectively pass the buck, a suitable scapegoat must exist. In the case of South African athletes- this scapegoat is The Apartheid Government. Yes, a system that was defunct before 1994 still has HUGE impact on our day-to-day lives. Textbooks were not ordered on time in 2011- blame apartheid. The Health Ministry has hospitals without working equipment- it must have been a sneaky long-term plan by the Afrikaner racists to make us look bad. There is still no water in Gugulethu- the apartheid government has poured concrete beneath the land so that water pipes cannot be installed. To be successful in this event, you need to be delusional, lie with a straight face, and most especially have a huge chip on your shoulder- a chip flavoured like ineptitude and blamelessness.
Notable Athletes: Jacob Zuma, Blade Nzimande

We also have other events- taxi-dodging, tax dodging, police bribery, affirmative actioning, and long-distance marching, but these pale in comparison to the level of skill required for the three codes above. We, the people of South Africa, salute our brave athletes as they continue on their tieless quest for self-enrichment and to maintain the status quo. Here’s your salute you fat fuckholes:

And the horse you rode in on