A sarcastic rant about politics. You have been warned.
Somewhere in the future…
So, the other day, Jesus came again. It was pretty cool- he descended in a fiery chariot, the heavenly host jamming the Imperial March, Jimi Hendrix rocking out a sweet solo, and Madiba chilling on Jesus’ right hand. Like a boss.
JC kicked some ass and took some names, and one of the first things he did was march to the Union Buildings in Pretoria, march up to the President of the ANC (and South Africa) and say: “Right! I’m back, you’ve ruled until I’ve come, and now its time to fuck off”
Mr ANC was understandably, dumbfounded. But he also had no leg to stand on, having spouted that exact same line just as many of his forbears had since the beginning of the 21st century. So he gathered up his executive toys, transferred his graft money into numbered offshore accounts, and vacated the office to HIS homestead, the 3rd or 4th private compound built for SA Heads of State since Nkandla, or Zumaville as it is known to the locals.
Rolling up in his blue-light brigade (funded with taxpayer money of course), Zumatello looked through his curtains, showered after his all-HIV positive orgy, and went to go and find out why his neighbour had assumed early occupation.
“Well Msholozi my old bean, Jesus kicked me out”
“He’s back?”
“Yep”
“Is he black?”
“More arabic.”
“Well at least he’s not white. Ne?”
“There’s that, but there are problems…”
Mr ANC explained that JC had kicked them out and that he personally would be overseeing who would rule the country next.
JZ could only mutter an extended ‘Eish’ as he quickly set up two or three companies to try and win a few last-minute tenders before the status quo was rocked and his supply of taxpayer-generated funds dried up.
Some of the problems JC outlined were:
Misrepresentation of the JC brand by the ANC, as he never supported them, or any one political party or country for that matter.
Failure to live up to His message, just about all 10 commandments were broken daily in the corridors of power, with a constant coveting of White money, which much like the Kruger Millions, had become a legend, as gainfully employed citizens were taxed to the hilt and forced to live hand-to-mouth.
Failure to live up to their promises. Now, some 30 years since overthrowing the Apartheid government (which JC conceded was a good thing and a high point in the ANC life cycle), the rich were poor, the poor were starving, and the starving ate the foreigners. Dogs were extinct (“And I really like dogs” – JC)
The mortal sin of Greed. South Africa had changed from an amazingly vibrant and beautiful place to one of barren, stark depression. OUr natural resources plundered and sold for cheap to the Chinese, our infrastructure crumbling due to rampant corruption and graft, small fort-like complexes providing shelter from the Mad Max-esque roving bands of starving transients.
The abject failure to serve the people.
As Mr ANC outlined JC’s reasons for removing the ANC from power, Jacob could not fathom how this had happened. Of course, being an idiot unable to think conceptually or in terms of the consequences of his presidency, he failed again. Failed to understand that all of this was a direct result of his term of office. He quickly got distracted by the familiar sounds of his 18 000 strong family getting into a fight about who got to shower first.
In the meantime, JC, back in Pretoria, was planning how to turn South Africa back into the Paradise he intended it to be.
Looking back at the history of the country, from when the Bantu peoples kicked the San off their land, he decided the best thing to do would be bringing back the leaders under whose guidance the country had flourished.
Using his mystical Jewish Zombie powers, he resurrected his chosen one: P W Botha.
The Groot Krokodil appeared, blinking, in his old office- unrecognisable after all these years.
“Listen up dude. I brought you back because you’re efficient, not because you’re a racist bastard. This time, there will be changes. No apartheid.”
“But..”
“NO APARTHEID PW! We need to rebuild, not destroy even further.”
“But…”
“OK, I see this won’t work, you need someone to keep you in check”
The door opened, and Madiba came in.
“PW, this is your co-president. You are both equal in all ways, you both have the power of veto and the power to change policy. Play nice.”
Madiba and PW smiled, high-fived, and set to work.
Fast-forward to five years later…
Education is free, widespread, and at a standard worthy of respect.
Corruption has been all but eliminated, and as a result there is enough money, and enough work, for every South African.
There are no potholes, the robots work, and public transport is the preferred means of getting around
After initial fear from all races, people realised you can trust other races: The whites were not being robbed and killed in their beds by ‘savage’ blacks.
The blacks were not marginalised again by having a white person in power (PW came around. Madiba Magic.)
Indians were doing their thing, and being a huge economic power within the country due to their awesome work ethic.
The Coloureds were not made to feel like they were over-represented anywhere, and were proving that they are the best of both, culturally, intellectually, they were working together.
Everyone felt safe in that fact that their leadership was working for them, the common people. They had no need to protest, no need to fear, no need to covet and hate.
What was the reason for this change? This real representation of Ubuntu and the realisation of the Dream of The Rainbow Nation.
Not Jesus. Not PW. Not Madiba.
Getting rid of inept, greedy and corrupt government.
The end.
To my fellow South Africans, we have nothing to fear from each other. We have a common enemy, and that enemy is corruption. Corruption means falling standards of education and a crippled economy, and if the current status quo continues we have no future. I love this place, and I want to raise children here. Lets make sure they inherit a South Africa poised for greatness, not failure. Use your voice, stand up for what you deserve.
Revolutionary Throwback 