Nelson Fucked The Kids

Which Nelson you ask? Nelson Mandela. The father of our nation and quite possibly the most revered statesman Africa has ever produced.

How very dare I bring the saint-like Madiba and his legacy into question?! Who the fuck do I think I am?

To be fair, this is not really about Nelson Mandela. This is about South Africa, and why we seem to be getting more violent, less intelligent and instead of going forward, we seem to be regressing.

You see, in the late 70’s in the UK they had a crisis. Their economy was in the toilet and everyone was in trouble- from the nobs to the plebs. Thatcher introduced policies that now, forty-odd years later have resulted in a society that is insular, unfriendly and has created the phenomenon of ‘Hoodies’ – essentially youth gangs who terrorise the inner cities and are almost single-handedly responsible for the increasing knife crime in the UK.

(Please note I do not research my blogs – if there are inaccuracies its because my memory is fallible and besides, this is opinion, so fuck you)

Something similar is happening in South Africa.

Mandela – when he left office, left a country that was the darling of the world – filled with hope and optimism and ready to take on the world. South Africans of all races were ready to embrace each other and work together to create The Rainbow Nation.

That’s where it all went wrong.

The ANC, with an overwhelming majority, were able to implement policies and strategies that were meant to build the nation, but unfortunately due to the short-sightedness and greed on behalf of the members of the organisation, many of the policies that saw the light of day were not the best.

History has shown that revolutionary movements seldom make the best governments.

After years of oppression, the leaders of the ANC suddenly found themselves with money and power and, like many former revolutionaries they became analogues of their former oppressors and enemies, desperate to hold on to what power and wealth they had gained.

Unabashedly. they lined their pockets and created a Corruptocracy – where the social rot of corruption started right at the top and soon was present in every layer of government.

With less money to spend on improving lives, and an apparent obsession to tear down anything related to the old regime – even those aspects that were effective and made the citizens lives better: education, infrastructure, policing, labour – you name it, it had to have an overhaul. These overhauls have proven to be poorly planned and their implementation a cluster-fuck of epic proportions.

Due to the ineptitude, corruption and don’t-care attitude of the ANC, all the good that was starting to be done, and all the goodwill we felt towards each other in the mid 90’s was eroded, eroded to the point where we now are possibly more divided and suspicious of each other than ever before (maybe.)

Outcomes-Based Education is a joke – 30% needed to finish high school.

Our roads are like those of the DRC or Ethiopia – potholed to all fuck and given a barely temporary repair when someone makes a racket

Our justice system is the most efficient criminal training programme in the entire world, with the police barely able to do their jobs, and when they do they show a level of apathy so great that ‘meh’ doesn’t cover it.

We live in fear every day, fear of being raped by inhuman savages that seem to live and work amongst us with impunity.

We take out lives into our hands every time we get into our cars, with “rules” of the road treated as suggestions at best.

There is at least one murder a day.

We have one of the highest gun crime rates in the world – yes, Piers Morgan was right.

I could continue but I prefer my readers not to commit suicide or die of despair.

Through all of this, the ANC seems more concerned about their reputation than fixing any of the problems that their greedy, lazy asses have created.

The point of this is that, much like England, we have our own ‘hoodie’ problems now. The rot and decay that has set into our society and morals is reaching critical mass, we are getting further and further away from becoming a true world player and despite our enormous potential, we are more Banana Republic than an Emerging Nation.

The cracks are showing.

In the words of Frank Turner: “Its no surprise that all the fuck-ups, didn’t show up until the kids were grown up” We’re growing up, and we have an entire generation of leaderless, amoral, violent thugs permeating our whole society.

The ANC needs to wake up and take responsibility for fixing what they have broken. Stop caring about your reputation, start caring about the people who made you what you are.

We all also need to take responsibility for what we do – we can’t expect the ANC to suddenly see the light, and if you can leave this world in a better state than you have found it, then you have succeeded at life.

But remember, next time you drive through a swirl of litter, stop at a non-working traffic light and get hijacked by an eighteen year old with a gun – Nelson fucked the kids.

 

Back to the Future

A sarcastic rant about politics. You have been warned.

Somewhere in the future…

So, the other day, Jesus came again. It was pretty cool- he descended in a fiery chariot, the heavenly host jamming the Imperial March, Jimi Hendrix rocking out a sweet solo, and Madiba chilling on Jesus’ right hand. Like a boss.

JC kicked some ass and took some names, and one of the first things he did was march to the Union Buildings in Pretoria, march up to the President of the ANC (and South Africa) and say: “Right! I’m back, you’ve ruled until I’ve come, and now its time to fuck off”

Mr ANC was understandably, dumbfounded. But he also had no leg to stand on, having spouted that exact same line just as many of his forbears had since the beginning of the 21st century. So he gathered up his executive toys, transferred his graft money into numbered offshore accounts, and vacated the office to HIS homestead, the 3rd or 4th private compound built for SA Heads of State since Nkandla, or Zumaville as it is known to the locals.
Rolling up in his blue-light brigade (funded with taxpayer money of course), Zumatello looked through his curtains, showered after his all-HIV positive orgy, and went to go and find out why his neighbour had assumed early occupation.

“Well Msholozi my old bean, Jesus kicked me out”
“He’s back?”
“Yep”
“Is he black?”
“More arabic.”
“Well at least he’s not white. Ne?”
“There’s that, but there are problems…”

Mr ANC explained that JC had kicked them out and that he personally would be overseeing who would rule the country next.
JZ could only mutter an extended ‘Eish’ as he quickly set up two or three companies to try and win a few last-minute tenders before the status quo was rocked and his supply of taxpayer-generated funds dried up.

Some of the problems JC outlined were:

Misrepresentation of the JC brand by the ANC, as he never supported them, or any one political party or country for that matter.

Failure to live up to His message, just about all 10 commandments were broken daily in the corridors of power, with a constant coveting of White money, which much like the Kruger Millions, had become a legend, as gainfully employed citizens were taxed to the hilt and forced to live hand-to-mouth.

Failure to live up to their promises. Now, some 30 years since overthrowing the Apartheid government (which JC conceded was a good thing and a high point in the ANC life cycle), the rich were poor, the poor were starving, and the starving ate the foreigners. Dogs were extinct (“And I really like dogs” – JC)

The mortal sin of Greed. South Africa had changed from an amazingly vibrant and beautiful place to one of barren, stark depression. OUr natural resources plundered and sold for cheap to the Chinese, our infrastructure crumbling due to rampant corruption and graft, small fort-like complexes providing shelter from the Mad Max-esque roving bands of starving transients.

The abject failure to serve the people.

As Mr ANC outlined JC’s reasons for removing the ANC from power, Jacob could not fathom how this had happened. Of course, being an idiot unable to think conceptually or in terms of the consequences of his presidency, he failed again. Failed to understand that all of this was a direct result of his term of office. He quickly got distracted by the familiar sounds of his 18 000 strong family getting into a fight about who got to shower first.

In the meantime, JC, back in Pretoria, was planning how to turn South Africa back into the Paradise he intended it to be.
Looking back at the history of the country, from when the Bantu peoples kicked the San off their land, he decided the best thing to do would be bringing back the leaders under whose guidance the country had flourished.

Using his mystical Jewish Zombie powers, he resurrected his chosen one: P W Botha.
The Groot Krokodil appeared, blinking, in his old office- unrecognisable after all these years.

“Listen up dude. I brought you back because you’re efficient, not because you’re a racist bastard. This time, there will be changes. No apartheid.”
“But..”
“NO APARTHEID PW! We need to rebuild, not destroy even further.”
“But…”
“OK, I see this won’t work, you need someone to keep you in check”

The door opened, and Madiba came in.
“PW, this is your co-president. You are both equal in all ways, you both have the power of veto and the power to change policy. Play nice.”

Madiba and PW smiled, high-fived, and set to work.

Fast-forward to five years later…

Education is free, widespread, and at a standard worthy of respect.
Corruption has been all but eliminated, and as a result there is enough money, and enough work, for every South African.
There are no potholes, the robots work, and public transport is the preferred means of getting around
After initial fear from all races, people realised you can trust other races: The whites were not being robbed and killed in their beds by ‘savage’ blacks.
The blacks were not marginalised again by having a white person in power (PW came around. Madiba Magic.)
Indians were doing their thing, and being a huge economic power within the country due to their awesome work ethic.
The Coloureds were not made to feel like they were over-represented anywhere, and were proving that they are the best of both, culturally, intellectually, they were working together.
Everyone felt safe in that fact that their leadership was working for them, the common people. They had no need to protest, no need to fear, no need to covet and hate.

What was the reason for this change? This real representation of Ubuntu and the realisation of the Dream of The Rainbow Nation.
Not Jesus. Not PW. Not Madiba.
Getting rid of inept, greedy and corrupt government.

The end.

To my fellow South Africans, we have nothing to fear from each other. We have a common enemy, and that enemy is corruption. Corruption means falling standards of education and a crippled economy, and if the current status quo continues we have no future. I love this place, and I want to raise children here. Lets make sure they inherit a South Africa poised for greatness, not failure. Use your voice, stand up for what you deserve.