On Leadership

For those of you who don’t know, when I’m not entertaining you fine folk, or other fine folk- I work in sales within a corporate organisation.
We are part of a listed group of companies and I wear a tie to work every single day. However when the work day ends, the ties (and sometimes the wheels) come off- I am a politicized, atheist, stoner party animal.

And its the politicized part of me that is pissed off.
I have been a ‘leader’ within my organisation for just over a year- and its fucking tough. The people in my team have different and unique motivators, dreams, ways of doing things, methods of thought and so forth- and as a leader I have to be cogniscent of these differences and create an environment that allows equality and for them to grow in the direction they want to. I cannot mould them to be carbon copies of me or to think and act the way I do, and I cannot scream and shout to get my way.

I have to allow my people the freedom to do things their way and to express their needs to me in an atmosphere that is conducive to openness and honesty- otherwise I will be left in the dark about their real needs and where they would like to take their careers.
Obviously this is not a free-for-all where no company objectives are met and everyone if just happy and warm and fluffy 24/7- we are all here for a purpose and commitment and achievement of goals is our driving force in my leadership style and the ethos of my company.

So it’s on me, as the leader to ensure:

1. My people are productive and meeting the needs of the organisation
2. My people are happy and are fulfilling their own needs
3. Upholding the values and goals of my department/team within the company as a whole.

The buck stops with me.

I’m not in a unique situation, the same structure and basic goals are repeated on different scales everywhere from the local supermarket to the highest level of government. Only its at these higher levels where we have a crucial key to success missing.

Leadership.

In South African politics in particular we have a huge, nay fucking MASSIVE, leadership vacuum.
I am hard pressed to think of anyone in our current political climate who I can actually look up to- and who is worthy of my respect.

Jacob Zuma is the 11th highest paid world leader. Can you just imagine if he was the 11th most effective?
Our government have a ‘me first’ attitude, with a mindset that seems to be one of self-enrichment and self-serving instead of looking out for those people they are meant to serve, and who put them in power in the first place.

Almost 20 years since they have come into power and they are still blaming the past. 20 years ago, Fourways was a few plots and a 4-way stop, hence the name. Now it takes me an hour to drive 18kms from Fourways to Sandton, because of all of the development. Yet people who have been waiting for a simple two bedroom house are still living in shacks, walking for kilometres to get clean water, and shitting in a communal longdrop.

We need a fundamental shift in the way we view our leaders, and how we hold them responsible. If they are not serving us, they need to be held accountable. Targets need to be set and achieved, and corruption, which is the cancer of South Africa, needs to be rooted out and annihilated.

I wish I had a solution as to how to do this, but all I can suggest is that each of us do our best to educate those who cannot see how South Africa and its people are being raped by a flawed system. Education is the key to emancipation, and we can all do our part.

South African Olympics

The Olympic Rings- hopefully the only burning ring you’ll ever have to see

South Africa is a funny place it is at once charming and will kick you in the ‘nads, it will delight you while it pisses down your leg, it will steal your heart and possibly your wallet. It is a land of dichotomy, humour, danger, joy, suffering, sweeping heights of success and plunging failures. I love it. It’s an exciting place to be- much more exciting than London.

Therefore, to celebrate the unique energy and make-up of South Africa- I present to you some ‘sports’ that are unique to our great country.

1. The 100m Tender Dash
Work is scarce in SA. So when an opportunity to make money arises, there is huge competition for that work. Enter the tenderpreneurs. These men and women, in the peak of physical fat-catness, spring into action moments before the tender is announced, jostling for position using quick wits, silver tongues and backhanded payments that put Federer to shame. Their preparation involves copious wining and dining of government ministers and a healthy dose of KFC grease to ease the process. These men and women are characterised by their apparent sedentary nature, until a tender is available, when they move like lightening until it is secured, then settling back into inactivity
Notable Athletes: Khulobuso Zuma, Julius Malema

2. The Medical Parole Hurdles
Crime is not so scarce in SA, corruption even less so. It seems that Spider-Man was right when he said that ‘absolute power corrupts absolutely’ In any case- it seems the entry into this event is exclusively for old ‘struggle’ heroes- those people who dedicated their lives to the downfall of the apartheid government. Training since ’94 involves tireless campaigning to get into a position of power- once this is achieved, the real competition starts. Athletes dip their hands in honey, then put their hands anywhere and everywhere they can, enriching themselves in a way that is at best questionable, at worst highly illegal only these elite sportsmen get to the pinnacle- a highly publicized exposure of their wrongdoings and a drawn out trial costing taxpayers millions. The athletes draw upon their political clout at this time, waiting until a guilty verdict is returned before developing a life-threatening illness. The best of the best go from guilty to golf course in a matter of months. This amazing feat is made possible by years of greasing the right hands and getting a doctor who is ready to give up ethics in favour of economic gain.
Notable Athletes: Shabir Shaik, Jackie Selebi

3. The Pass-the-buck Relay
We have been a democracy for 18 years. 18 years, 18 years, and on the 18th birthday he found out it wasnt his. Despite our democracy being older than half the teenage mothers in Khayalitsha, we still havent learnt to accept responsibility for our actions. Skilled athletes know that to effectively pass the buck, a suitable scapegoat must exist. In the case of South African athletes- this scapegoat is The Apartheid Government. Yes, a system that was defunct before 1994 still has HUGE impact on our day-to-day lives. Textbooks were not ordered on time in 2011- blame apartheid. The Health Ministry has hospitals without working equipment- it must have been a sneaky long-term plan by the Afrikaner racists to make us look bad. There is still no water in Gugulethu- the apartheid government has poured concrete beneath the land so that water pipes cannot be installed. To be successful in this event, you need to be delusional, lie with a straight face, and most especially have a huge chip on your shoulder- a chip flavoured like ineptitude and blamelessness.
Notable Athletes: Jacob Zuma, Blade Nzimande

We also have other events- taxi-dodging, tax dodging, police bribery, affirmative actioning, and long-distance marching, but these pale in comparison to the level of skill required for the three codes above. We, the people of South Africa, salute our brave athletes as they continue on their tieless quest for self-enrichment and to maintain the status quo. Here’s your salute you fat fuckholes:

And the horse you rode in on