The Olympic Rings- hopefully the only burning ring you’ll ever have to see
South Africa is a funny place it is at once charming and will kick you in the ‘nads, it will delight you while it pisses down your leg, it will steal your heart and possibly your wallet. It is a land of dichotomy, humour, danger, joy, suffering, sweeping heights of success and plunging failures. I love it. It’s an exciting place to be- much more exciting than London.
Therefore, to celebrate the unique energy and make-up of South Africa- I present to you some ‘sports’ that are unique to our great country.
1. The 100m Tender Dash
Work is scarce in SA. So when an opportunity to make money arises, there is huge competition for that work. Enter the tenderpreneurs. These men and women, in the peak of physical fat-catness, spring into action moments before the tender is announced, jostling for position using quick wits, silver tongues and backhanded payments that put Federer to shame. Their preparation involves copious wining and dining of government ministers and a healthy dose of KFC grease to ease the process. These men and women are characterised by their apparent sedentary nature, until a tender is available, when they move like lightening until it is secured, then settling back into inactivity
Notable Athletes: Khulobuso Zuma, Julius Malema
2. The Medical Parole Hurdles
Crime is not so scarce in SA, corruption even less so. It seems that Spider-Man was right when he said that ‘absolute power corrupts absolutely’ In any case- it seems the entry into this event is exclusively for old ‘struggle’ heroes- those people who dedicated their lives to the downfall of the apartheid government. Training since ’94 involves tireless campaigning to get into a position of power- once this is achieved, the real competition starts. Athletes dip their hands in honey, then put their hands anywhere and everywhere they can, enriching themselves in a way that is at best questionable, at worst highly illegal only these elite sportsmen get to the pinnacle- a highly publicized exposure of their wrongdoings and a drawn out trial costing taxpayers millions. The athletes draw upon their political clout at this time, waiting until a guilty verdict is returned before developing a life-threatening illness. The best of the best go from guilty to golf course in a matter of months. This amazing feat is made possible by years of greasing the right hands and getting a doctor who is ready to give up ethics in favour of economic gain.
Notable Athletes: Shabir Shaik, Jackie Selebi
3. The Pass-the-buck Relay
We have been a democracy for 18 years. 18 years, 18 years, and on the 18th birthday he found out it wasnt his. Despite our democracy being older than half the teenage mothers in Khayalitsha, we still havent learnt to accept responsibility for our actions. Skilled athletes know that to effectively pass the buck, a suitable scapegoat must exist. In the case of South African athletes- this scapegoat is The Apartheid Government. Yes, a system that was defunct before 1994 still has HUGE impact on our day-to-day lives. Textbooks were not ordered on time in 2011- blame apartheid. The Health Ministry has hospitals without working equipment- it must have been a sneaky long-term plan by the Afrikaner racists to make us look bad. There is still no water in Gugulethu- the apartheid government has poured concrete beneath the land so that water pipes cannot be installed. To be successful in this event, you need to be delusional, lie with a straight face, and most especially have a huge chip on your shoulder- a chip flavoured like ineptitude and blamelessness.
Notable Athletes: Jacob Zuma, Blade Nzimande
We also have other events- taxi-dodging, tax dodging, police bribery, affirmative actioning, and long-distance marching, but these pale in comparison to the level of skill required for the three codes above. We, the people of South Africa, salute our brave athletes as they continue on their tieless quest for self-enrichment and to maintain the status quo. Here’s your salute you fat fuckholes:
And the horse you rode in on
Revolutionary Throwback 