January 2013: A Round-up

With February breathing in our face like a small yappy-type dog called Gaspode, I thought I’d take stock of how 2013 has gone so far.

1. On the 3rd of January, I made a decision to stop drinking.
This was based on the fact that when I saw myself in the mirror, I died. Literally, I have seen the other side and trust me- it’s not a place you want to spend eternity. Haha jokes.

So far the quitting drinking has resulted in one proposal of marriage, a couple high fives and no sex.
Dont quit drinking. It might be noble but it’s not sexy

2. Lance Armstrong
Fuck that guy

And lol at the Australian book stores who moved his books to the fiction section. Sick burn

2a. Oprah
Fuck her too. She has enough money and she’s retired. Fuck off.
Its your fault we’re even talking about Lance.

3. The ANC
Continue unabated to run our country like their parent’s bank account. We all know politics is about egos, but you’d swear the ANC are 15 years old, not 100. Throwing their toys out the cot every time someone potentially maybe just about insults them. Maybe if you governed you wouldn’t need to be defending yourselves constantly.

Interestingly, the company that teaches people to fish, Oxfam, says South Africa is more unequal now than it was at the end of apartheid.

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Oh sorry, I was just waiting for the Youth League to comment.

4. Music
I started a new band and was blown away by Melody Kaye’s singing voice again. If she wasn’t already married I would hire an earth-moving machine to spade her on an industrial level.

I also caught Hagen Engler laying down some slam poetry at the Brazen head, after which we decided that the best number of guitarists in a band is 6,738 – no more, no less.

5. Dale
My cousin, @badtennis_ educated us all on why Rawson’s properties hates you. Like all his posts, it’s a great read- check him out on the tweeeeetah and wordpress. Badtennis.

6. Community Service
I’m a helpful motherfucker. Sometimes that help is to educate someone on their douchiness, sometimes its something that they can use. This month I explained to a friend that you can never understand girls and that each one is unique and different, but if you can make them laugh and you’re not a swamp donkey then you have a chance with them. Right ladies? Want to hear a joke?

What I realised in my various conversations with people having difficulties is that you always know inside yourself what the right answer is- but sometimes its the hard road and we’re all lazy and scared. Just do it.

RIP Kevin and Granny Maureen, you will be missed. January curse strikes again.

I’ll leave you with this thought:

My bad, you guys aren’t mind readers. You just put whatever you want in there.

2013 – A Welcome

Hello friends, strangers and people I want to fuck.

Welcome to 2013- the first year since 1320 when people scared of the numbers 20 and 13 are screwed.

I thought I’d be one of the last to welcome you to this year because you know, fashion.

Speaking of fashion- this year I predict Magenta and Floral Prints are going to be in for men, whereas the ladies are going to be going gaga for bondage gear. Its going to be a scorcher on the fashion front.

Sports-wise, the Proteas will continue to not make an impact in my life, whilst Bafana Bafana will rise to at least the bottom 7/8ths of world football teams.

The mighty Springboks will of course decimate all opponents, depending on whether they take my advice to all grow beards. Beards are power. It has been written.

On the music front, I predict that Taylor Swift and Adele will start a short-lived yet tumultuous relationship, lasting just 6 months but providing enough creative inspiration for at least 7 albums each. Expect tears.

In the political sphere, Zuma is going to reveal himself as one of the lizard-people David Icke writes about, only the Windsors and Bushes and other Illuminati lizard families will immediately disown him. This will pave the way for our own burger king, Cyril, to apply the MacDonalds way of thinking to our government. Of course this is SA MacD’s we’re talking about, so pretty much nothing will change.

I plan on making this, my thirtieth year on this earth, a goodie. I invite you all to join me. I’m going to be making shitloads of music this year and visiting Amsterdam in May/June, so keep reading and giving me sneaky reach-around handjobs.

Happy 2013 everyone!