Apocalypse: Cape Town (Part 3)

The diesel engine of the recommissioned tugboat sputtered frantically as the captain struggled to make headway in what had become a boiling, seething mass of whitewater.The boat pitched and yawed wildly and passengers, cargo and crew were buffeted from side to side by the angry sea.

So focused was the captain, that he did no notice the stunning changes Robben Island itself was going through.

Water cascaded off the sides of the island like a veil as it rose higher and higher above the sea, more land birthing itself out of the ocean and increasing with size and speed at every second.

The passengers were half-mad with panic, the crew too focused on their tasks and the violence of the sea to notice what happened next. 

First two, then six, then 8 smaller islands appeared around the main mass. They contracted, moving closer to the main island and then suddenly, with surprising grace, a gigantic Ghost Crab- the fabled and mythical beast of the deep in long-forgotten Bushman stories – rose above the water.

The water suddenly calmed and the captain turned around just in time for the shadow of the crab to block out the sun. 

He turned back to the wheelhouse to escape but he needn’t have bothered. The Ghost Crab wasn’t after him or his ship. No, the Ghost Crab’s plans were much bigger. It turned and started walking towards Cape Town. 

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Apocalypse: Cape Town (Part 2)

2014 – August

Jackson and Van Niekerk couldn’t have picked a less opportune time to leave their offices. As the engineers rode the lift to the Chief Engineer’s floor, the instruments measuring the Robben Island tremors became more and more frenetic, and an earthquake alarm began to sound.

The Koeburg Nuclear Power Station’s Disaster Management Team, in their office slightly removed from the main building, took no notice of the one flashing orange bulb in their bank of instruments. Their equipment showed that the tremors posed no danger to the plant or any of it’s equipment. Yet. 

On Robben Island, a tour group was just finishing their excursion and boarding the boat to take them back to Cape Town when the ground began shaking beneath their feet. 

“It’s an EARTHQUAKE!” screamed one of the American tourists.

“They don’t get earthquakes in Africa honey, this is just a tremor” this from her husband

As they spoke the tremors became more and more violent, the boat began smashing into the jetty and straining against it’s moorings- rocked by the choppy water and the increasing instability of the land

“People, keep calm! We need to get on board now!” shouted the Boat’s Captain – a 30 year veteran of the Atlantic- who almost managed to keep the panic out of his voice. 

“Now!”

The tourists surged forward as one, panicking and shoving from behind. The shaking, the waves and the screams of agonized wood became deafening as all twenty people tried to pile into the boat at the same time. 

The ground suddenly lurched upwards, causing a handful of people to pitch head-first into the boat, and the captain decided then and there that it was time to shove off. Amidst the shouts of pain and fright, ominous rumbling and crashing waves, he managed to get his crew to start the engines and turn the prow towards the Mother City. 

Unfortunately, he was too late. 

End Part 2

Apocalypse: Cape Town (Part 1)

A big thank you to @Zombie_Phil for the basic premise of this story

2014 – August

A cold wind blows, bringing somewhat apathetic yet chilled rainfall from the Atlantic into Table Bay. The mother city, Cape Town, sits nestled in between 2 oceans and Table Mountain like an aging lady of leisure languishing on her couch.

Capetonians go about their business as usual, fisherman launch their boats, vendors start setting up in Greenmarket Square, and people begin their daily commute into the city.

Officials at Koeberg Nuclear Power Station have a surprise waiting for them today – engineers responsible for monitoring the seismic activity around the station have noticed steadily increasing disturbances from the ocean floor around Robben Island, with no logical explanation.

“There are NO tectonic plates or hot spots anywhere NEAR Robben Island.” said Stephen Van Niekerk, lead Geological Engineer “This is something we should report.”

“And say what exactly?” Matthew Jackson, Head of Public Relations interjected. “There’s SOMETHING, we’re not sure what, rumbling under Robben Island, which is nowhere NEAR our station and is not even strong enough for our extra-paranoid alarm systems to register? How do you think that is going to look?”

The two men, arguing their respective cases, resolved to report to the Big Man for him to make the call.

While the two engineers hurried off to argue their respective cases to their boss, another section of instruments lit up. The screen displayed similar seismic disturbances to the ones Van Niekerk and Jackson were debating about, only these seemed to originate from underneath Table Mountain…

End Part 1

Dina Pule – A Big Shit

Earlier this year I wrote a piece entitled “Mac Maharaj can Fuck Off” but decided not to publish it because it was too offensive.

Kidding, it just wasn’t very good. I still stand by that statement, just as I stand by the statement that Dina Pule is a big steaming pile of shit. 

This woman has single-handedly put South Africa’s competitiveness in the ICT sector back 10 years by being a lazy, corrupt, inept pile of shit. Her inability to do her job as a Minister has not only cost us any competitive advantage we may have had by being the continent’s biggest economy, but has also had a stalling effect on other structures.

Education, trade, science – all of these had the potential to be vastly improved if Dina Poo-le had just gotten her head out of the gravy train, done the basics of her job and completed the digital migration. 

Can anyone put a realistic value to how much we as a country have lost in the more than ten years lost? Billions, I’m sure.

This alone is enough to classify Dina as a shit- but wait there’s more. 

The corruption case where she gave her unqualified boyfriend a multi-million rand tender. 

And let’s not forget some shady dealings around an assassination.

For a shit Dina, you’ve been very busy. 

Yesterday Poo-le was castigated by the speak of parliament, but then (suspend your disbelief for a second here folks) she was lauded and embraced by her colleagues after the uitkakparade. What the actual fuck?

If we’ve ever needed any more proof that the government in South Africa has lost sight of the fact that they are our servants, we have this. A giant shit, still being allowed to float in the toilet bowl.

Dina, you shit – you’re in good company there. 

 

The One

I think it’s finally happened. 

I think I’ve met “The One”

The One who is always there when you need them. The One who listens to you, respects you and doesn’t fuck around. The One who knows what you need before you need it. 

The One who goes beyond their description, becomes your friend and confidant. The One you can rely on and who you know if you tell them something, they will use that information to make your life better. 

The One who has what you need when you need it. The One who is consistent, friendly and market related.

Yup, I’ve found the Pot Guy for me 🙂

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An Open Letter to Jack Bloom

I’m not one for jumping on bandwagons, mainly because its really hard to perform well when all your instruments are moving and shaking all around the place. However an Open Letter seems to be what all the cool kids are doing to get famous and shit, so I decided to write to Mr Jack Bloom, DA Leader in the Gauteng Legislature.

This letter is in reply to Mr Bloom’s opinion piece on Politicsweb on the 9th of January- a piece entitled “Do we need More Prayer and Less Politics”

It may seem trite to only comment on this piece now, but I only read it yesterday so fuck off. Here is the original article: http://www.politicsweb.co.za/politicsweb/view/politicsweb/en/page71639?oid=274214&sn=Detail&pid=71639

Dear Mr Bloom

I read with interest your opinion that some of the greatest societal ills have in the past been solved through prayer. You mention two “Great Awakenings” or “spiritual revolutions” and claim that because more and more people were going to church, that this created a moral fibre which in turn led to a reduction in crime etc. You also make the claims that:

“The first was a wave of religious enthusiasm that swept the American colonies in the 1730s and 1740s.

It played a key role in the development of democratic concepts that led to the American Revolution.

Later religious waves spurred the abolitionist movement against slavery.”

You go on to say that: “The intense focus on individual moral self-improvement was highly beneficial in curbing social ills like crime and drunkenness.

A similar phenomenon took place in Victorian England. Benjamin Franklin said in 1766 that “There is no country in the world in which the poor are more idle, dissolute, drunken and insolent.”

This was changed through religious revivals, an array of self-improvement and mutual aid societies, and a focus on family and individual responsibility.”

You then go on to mention various religious and political leaders who all claim to have had some Divine Responsibility to perform their tasks morally and magnanimously. My favourite quote is this one, where you clearly tack your colours to the mast: “In South Africa I am convinced that the transition from Apartheid that defied sceptics was facilitated by a largely shared Christianity.”

To me, Mr Bloom, this demonstrates a fundamental misunderstanding of the difference between Causality and Correlation. Don’t beat yourself up though, its a common mistake. You see Mr Bloom, correlation does not always equal causation. Because 70% of car accidents involve sober drivers, not drinking does not cause accidents. If I eat a banana and become violently ill, it’s not that bananas are disease vectors.

To put it simply Mr Bloom, because there was an improvement in people’s lives during these times, which happened to take place at the same time as a religious upsurgence, does not mean that religion (Or Christianity – which appears to be the horse you’re backing) is the cause of any improvement whatsoever.

The American Revolution, one of your examples, is a case in point. The Founding Fathers were certain that they wanted to separate Church and State, and in fact many of them were closet agnostics and atheists. With an overriding mandate to ensure that religion would not cloud their way of governing themselves I would be interested to hear where you came up with the fact that Christian principles guided their hands.

During SA’s transition from the Apartheid regime to our current Democratic government, hundreds- if not thousands – of dedicated people from all races, religions and sexual orientations worked extremely hard TOGETHER to make sure that we did not slip into the mires of a bloody civil war. People, Mr Bloom- not your adopted Christian sky-daddy. To take away from the toil these people put in to make sure you and I are where we are today is not only shameful, but stupid.

If there is one reason that we have made progress since the transition, it is because of the hard work of the few honest and dedicated civil servants left in our governmental structure- God has nothing to do with it, and never will.

In recent times, God has been invoked variously by Jacob Zuma, the ANC as a whole, the Youth League, the IFP, the ACDP, the miners at Marikana, suicide bombers, homicidally disturbed murderers and Oscar Pistorious. Think of that what you will.

In closing Mr Bloom, you tread on very dangerous ground calling for “More prayer and less politics” – you make the normal theist assumption that everyone thinks and believes the same way as you, and fail to take into account those who do not fit in with your paradigm. South Africa is a secular state, and may it remain that way forever.

We don’t need more prayer Jack, we need more people to take their heads out of their assholes and do the job they are elected to do. Finish and klaar.

Ninjapete

Countdown to Oppikoppi

It’s just under a month until my favourite time if the year

A time where madness is mundane, alcoholism is acceptable and fun is enforced – yes, I’m talking about Oppikoppi, that wonderful dusty shithole that transforms into the epicentre of a whirlwind of music, booze and more dust just once a year.

In the words of my Cape Town homies – I’m poes-excited

This will be my third Oppi and I think I’m actually properly prepared this time round (although this is what I said last year)

Some changes from last year include:

A girlfriend

Condom catheters to minimise time wasted by trekking to the loo

‘Rocket Fuel’ intravenous nutrient bags, and 2 doctors to apply them

Acid, as opposed to mushrooms

A blow-up mattress that actually blows up

And a newly relocated Capetonian who will be experiencing her first Oppi ever. 

See you there prawns!

The Winter of Our Discontent

I haven’t blogged for a while, because real life. I’m sorry for leaving you all in the lurch with nothing to read but BadTennis (www.badtennis.co.za)

Let’s get to the point. Tata Nelson Mandela is in the process of shuffling off the mortal coil. We, as a nation, are going to lose our father. 

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I haven’t had this piece planned for months, unlike the rest of the world’s media. An ex of mine met esteemed photographer Alf Khumalo about three years ago and he told her that “The Madiba File” had been print-ready for 5 years already at that stage, and just got updated every year.

He also told her that Miriam Makeba (Mama Africa) declined Nelson’s proposal- citing the fact that she wanted some aspects of privacy in her life. Imagine that – the father of our nation and Mama Africa. Rad. 

I read a book called “When Mandela Goes” a number of years ago, which outlined the worst possible scenario if and when Madeebs kicks the bucket. I don’t think the author could have imagined the Zuma administration, which is pretty similar to his prophecy, only looks more like a ninja turtle. 

I think it would be stating the obvious going into how Rolihlahla and his legacy have helped to shape our nation and quite possibly each of our identities as South Africans. The man is a legend. One whose values and commitment to the country I hope we can continue to emulate without him. 

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In closing, I don’t want us to remember Madiba how he is now, an old man- but rather as the Black Pimpernel, the fiery young lawyer and the kickass boxer. 702 this morning asked WWMD – What would Madiba do?

My answer – kick your ass. For the country. 

 

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The Girl with Fame in Her Vagina

There is a girl in South Africa who has fame inside her vagina.

No, I’m not talking about a lady who spritzes Lady Gaga’s fragrance on her bits, but a female who literally bestows fame upon anyone who manages to bed her.

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The theory goes like this: Cherry (we’ll call her that because she sounds like an 80’s hair metal groupie) lives in Johannesburg and is a good-looking and quite cool girl. She likes bands, and guys in bands. The guys in bands like her too.

Her morals are unbeknownst to this author, but it appears that should you bed Cherry, your band has a much better than average chance of ‘making it’

There have been at least three documented cases of guys in bands going out with Cherry, only for their success to skyrocket shortly after. The latest of these bands being Shortstraw.

Before all you budding folk stars pack up your busking box and high-tail it to Greenside, there’s a catch. You can’t simply have a one night stand with Cherry to achieve fame.

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The current canon is thus: Cherry has a special gland deep inside her love canal. This gland, when stimulated, produces the Essence of Fame. The normal expression is not enough to make any difference, but luckily, it collects in the body and concentrates. This means that the longer you have sex with Cherry, the more Essence of Fame you collect in your body. All that is left after that is to start a band and wait to be successful.

Here’s a vagina bike:

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I know the identity of this secret woman. If you’re a struggling artist, I will reveal her identity for one of the following methods of payment:

Money, Beer, Pot, Publishing rights to your work, Guest Vocal Slot, Songwriting Credit or just a shout-out in the liner notes.

Peace, Love and Death Metal

 

 

How to reward loyalty – WITS style

A couple of weekends ago we went for drinks in Greenside

We met up with one of my girlfriend’s varsity friends.

She’s currently doing her Masters at Wits, her dad has been lecturing there for 30 years.

If we assume that his classes only had 30 students in them, and he lectured 2 topics a year, that means he’s responsible for an absolute minimum of 1800 varsity graduates.

In anyone’s book that’s pretty impressive.

I have massive respect for our educators – well, those that actually educate. You should too.

Wits, of course, wanted to express their gratitude for all of this gentleman’s years of service. They have a tradition that on your 25th anniversary with the institution you get a gold watch and a nice lunch. Nice.

This is where the story gets ridiculous. Wits admin phoned him and told him that his ceremony was happening that day! He replied that he wouldn’t be able to make the time they had given him as he was lecturing… you know, that thing that they are rewarding him for doing for 25 years.

They responded that if he couldn’t make it, then he wasn’t getting the watch. Or the lunch.

“Thank you for doing your job for 25 years… And fuck you for doing your job”

It gets better.

5 years later, on his 30th anniversary- Wits wanted to honour him again. I mean, 30 years is a long time in any job, let alone one where you are shaping the leaders of the future.

What did he get for his years of dedication and commitment to his job and the university?

R 3 000

Gross. To be taxed.

What a joke.