This, my friends, is a Meme- a meme called Overly Attached Girlfriend. I do not know this girl, and to be honest I think she actually looks quite sweet. However, this is a nice gentle entry into what is going to be a post that may cause me to lose a friend of over ten years good standing.
You see friends (I will continue to use this word in the hopes that the protagonist in this story gets brainwashed and will still be friends with me) this post is about how I, and many others, are watching this man slowly become a giant bitch. A pussywhipped, unhappy, emasculated, boring bitch.
All because of his fiance.
Now I am the last one to give relationship advice, and the last one to moan about my friends’ significant others. I like most of them, in fact I would bone most of them if it wasn’t for that pesky Bro Code. This has been true for our subject- hitherto referred to as Chad (because Lake Chad used to be much bigger and support many more people, much like his social life) – in most of his previous relationships too.
This girl is different. This girl had… An Agenda.
Id like to take this moment to let Chad know- if he reads this- that I love him dearly and although I take an irreverent tone in my blog what I am saying is dead serious. If you hate me after this then that’s fine- but in my capacity as a friend I have to tell you this. The Truth Hurts.
In hindsight we should have stopped this sooner, the signs were all there: She was filled with moaning (the bad kind), had NO friends of her own and crucially… is a ginger.
From Day 1 she put her plan in action, a plan we like to call Operation Crush My Balls
She swamped his social calendar with her events and her favourites, he slowly started pulling away from us, but being a bachelor we could still see him at his house.
Then she moved in. In like 3 months. And painted and decorated the entire place, of course roping in Chad to every activity.
I was his neighbour at the time and I could literally see him withdrawing further and further into his web.
Then the masterstroke, and the loss of Chad’s first testicle. She somehow convinced him it would be a good idea to move back into HER MOM’S HOUSE.
Pros: Good food
Cons: No sex, a mother in law without getting married, 2 women’s issues, money problems, house upkeep etc etc etc etc etc.
Despite our warnings, Chad upped roots and moved further West, a move anyone who lives in Joburg will tell you is a step backward, into a house with 3 women- his bitch-cow, her mom, and her sister (who is actually pretty cool)
Fail Chad. Fail.
Now the next step of her plan involved removing all the ‘bad influences’ (read: friends) in his life. Certain friends were automatically blacklisted for being single and fun and others were moved onto the A List for being boring and most importantly… Married.
Now I’m not saying all married people are boring, but these ones. My fuck- I would rather visit my grandmother and ask her to tell me about the different methods for churning butter than go to a ‘party’ at their house. (-4 friends on Facebook in 10…)
So, in her wily ginger monkey ways, she perpetuated the mindset in Chad that marriage was the best, nay, the only way to advance in life. I’m sure sex was withheld until the fateful day.
He proposed.
I was not invited to the engagement ‘party’ which by all means was a lovely event with tea, scones and deep seated denial.
I have seen him a total of 3 times since that day, and while I have made every attempt to be my normal bubbly friendly self, I cant.
This is because I have not seen Ginger smile once in the 12 plus hours I have been in her and Chad’s company. She must be the most miserable person on the planet. Seriously, her face is a perfect meniscus, but the kind you get in mercury- convex, not concave. What I’m trying to say is she has such drop-lip, she could trip over it. So fucking miserable.
Added to that is the fact that she has his nuts in a jar next to her bed- he is in the media industry and recently got a chance to direct his first shoot. Way to go! Something to celebrate and really do well to get out of a career rut! Yay!
Until Ginger got her filthy sad, controlling, dictatorial hands on it.
She talked him into making her his Art Director.
SHE’S A FUCKING MAKE-UP ARTIST!
This single event has proved to be the straw that broke the camels back. I could (un)happily let him continue in this folly and look forward to 3-7 years from now when he divorces her and go on a massive drinking binge, but this was too much.
What were you thinking Chad? What did she do or say to make your brain shut off like this? Or did your brain not come into it?
I think we know the answer.
Needless to say. She fucked it up. Royally. Queen Ginger of Fuck-uppia
This brings us to today, and my message to Chad.
My friend- I have silently watched you become a shell of the man you once were. You are dis-empowered, unhappy and, as hard as it is to say- the person you swore you would never be. Boring. Like plain oatmeal. It has been very hard to write this and I expect the backlash to be severe, but let it be known I am not the only one who feels this way. Ginger’s negative energy was palpable at our most recent meeting, prompting a work colleague to ask what was wrong with her- 5 minutes after seeing her, not even speaking to her. She is a poison- a negativity poison that is killing your spirit. I seriously doubt that her reasons for being with you are noble- I believe she is looking for someone to control and give her a comfortable life. Lets be honest here- a make-up artist is going to have to be extraordinarily good to be the breadwinner in South Africa. She is using you for security, and in a very short time, offspring. That is the Event Horizon- the point of no return. If you have her bear your children (holding thumbs they’re not ginger), then she is in your life forever. I implore you to think about your future- not her future, her moms future, my future, or “our” future, but YOUR future. You’re a good man, don’t let it come to this.
Revolutionary Throwback 