TMI

We live in the information age. We are bombarded with information at all times. That’s why there are no ads on this blog. Keeping it real yo

Please let me know if that fooled any of you.

I remember an MTV ad about 7 years ago, that said we would see a thousand trillion media images by the time we were 16. Or 1 million a day. Anyway, it was a staggeringly large number at the time, but I think it pales in comparison to the barrage of information we are privy (or subjected) to in this day and age.

The answer to almost any question, from she male hookers with a nun outfit to the best stockbroker to handle your offshore portfolio or a she male stock broker, are a few clicks away. Thanks for the lulz Internet.

We are replete with information.

Epic Meal Time. Lolcats. The Arab spring. 419 scams. Facebook fucking timeline. These are all things that we could not have ‘enjoyed’ without all of this information and all of the people who are plugged in.

And that’s awesome. The Internet and the time we live in is within sight of a truly huge paradigm shift. The human race is poised for something, good or bad, that will Fundamentally change us as a species.

Or maybe I’m just stoned.

Nonetheless, there have been some casualties along the way. As easy as it is for people to be discovered and make a splash, the ripples they leave will echo in three months from now.

Life Expectancy of Youtube ‘Hits’

And this sucks. Imagine you are in a band, working your tits/balls off, and you see fucking Rebecca Black making more money than you have in you entire career. But worse than that, is that even if you write an amazing album, rock a stadium tour and get a deal, your music has been forgotten in as long as it takes for one of the other millions of acts to catch my attention.

So this is not a rant for original musicianship, this is a lament at the fact that songs, like all memes, are now a commodity with a very short expiry date. My soft spot for music aside, all ‘traditional’ fine arts are suffering. the amount of heart and effort that goes into these performances is incredible, and for their work to fade into the static of never ending information is the only reason… Oh shit! I just heard a dude playing a cover of ‘Call Me Maybe’ on a 16th century lute! You can find it on soundcloud.

See, Internet- you made Thom Yorke sad. Again.

Braai your Heritage

Hola Mzanzi!

Unjani? I’m fine too, thanks for asking.

So on Monday it is our Heritage day, which despite what the Brits and Ozzies think, does not involve suppression of native tribes, colonisation and genocide. Generally we cook meat on a fire.

South Africa has 11 official languages, at least 8 different races, a healthy hermaphrodite community (Whassup Caster!) and at least one shemale, so our heritages are wide and varied.

If I was of Indian descent, I would probably spend the day with my larnies, with our wives cooking and the boys checking out our sound in our VW golf TDIs. At zoo lake.

If I was coloured, unless I was Trevor Noah, I would probably smash dooswyn and tik in my face whilst looking for people to stab. Just kidding, I would rebel against these type of people, and start an organisation to combat gangsterism and drugs, through gangsterism and drugs.

If I was black, I’d look at my bank balance. If I found I was rich, I would organise a shisnyama, slaughter a cow, spot some boobies and rock a leopard headress at my house party in Sunninghill. If I was poor, I’d probably be striking. If not, I’d try and get a job as a car guard at one of the Sunninghill house parties.

If I was Afrikaans- I’d have no choice. Braai, boet. Unless I was post-Bellville rock/hipster/indie Afrikaans, in which case I’d do something ironic and retro- like a poes.

If I was Portuguese, I’d be running the shop, as is my duty as firstborn. Be it laundry, grocery or butcher- no mere public holiday will stand in the way of my profitzzzzz

If I was gay, I’d be fabulous- and so would my garden party.

If I was transexual, I’d be confused about whether I belonged at the braai or in the kitchen.

If I was a foreigner, I’d use google maps to see which area I live in. If I don’t have google maps, I assume I’m living in an informal settlement and bar my doors and windows from xenophobic attacks.

In actual fact, I have no idea what I would do if I was a member of any of the groups above, mainly because I am a white English person. I plan on cooking meat, drinking beer and spending time with my friends. Have a great braai day champs.