February 2013 – Love in a Time of Peppers

Morlocks, we are into the second month of the year. I’m can’t believe.

So far I think 2013 is going to be a cracker.

I’ve made a smattering of new friends this year, mostly from Twitter.

Remember the days when it was a bad idea to meet people from the internet?

Anyways, most of them are girls and I’d also sleep with most of them. Here’s looking at you ladies. Of course, now that I’ve said that I’ve probably been relegated to the freak folder. You don’t know what you’re missing ladies, ask my exes.

Here are some of the aforementioned sexy people from the tweetah:

We met to have beer and grope each other. I think Lwazi and Ricki are eloping to Mozam next week sometime.

Speaking of Lwazi, a finer gent you will struggle to meet. If he’s not married to Ricki in the next 2 weeks you ladies should meet him. Well, at least those of you who I don’t want to sleep with should meet him. He also has chocolate salty balls.

It was L-waz’s birthday over last weekend, and there was a bit of a ruckus over guest politics, you see Chad – from my previous post about being pussy-whipped and whose fiance remains the most hated woman in the Peterverse, and Jezza – a shorter, more grumpy, less cool version of Jeremy Clarkson have both decided that honesty and adulthood are things they don’t want to be parts of and pressured L-waz into nt inviting me to his birthday braai.

I warned him.

He phoned me the day after to confirm what I already knew. The party would have been more fun with me there. Well played fun vampires, well-played.

This did not concern me overmuch because I was still buzzing from RHCP. Thats the Red Hot Chili Pepper’s for the hard of thinking. I see a few people were bitching and moaning, but I’ll bet a substantial amount of Zim dollars that they had the cheap seats. Thats what you get for being a tightwad. Boo on you.

I took some powdered mescaline and although I did not see Alderaan or the Otherside, I still feel like it was one of the best concerts I have ever been to. The man who supplied the cactus said he wasnt sure of its efficacy, but that in small doses you feel mild euphoria. I don’t think the mescaline produced what I felt. It was legendary.

I lost all my homies and made some single-serving friends, who although younger, actually knew about albums before ‘Californication’

These two guys are legends- if you know them, tell them ‘sup.

In related news, my best homie and his wife are about to become parents- which I think is awesome. Good luck to Petra, Gaz and the little one, cant wait to meet here.

And finally, I am in love. Head over heels, heart pounding love. We met at work and it was love at first sight. She hasn’t been to my house yet and we haven’t done anything more than kiss, but she’s quite amazing. I call her the Lady in Red. Here’s a photo:

Have an awesome Feb guys, and if you’re lonely on Valentines… I’m having a pick and mix orgy at my house. xxx

Braai your Heritage

Hola Mzanzi!

Unjani? I’m fine too, thanks for asking.

So on Monday it is our Heritage day, which despite what the Brits and Ozzies think, does not involve suppression of native tribes, colonisation and genocide. Generally we cook meat on a fire.

South Africa has 11 official languages, at least 8 different races, a healthy hermaphrodite community (Whassup Caster!) and at least one shemale, so our heritages are wide and varied.

If I was of Indian descent, I would probably spend the day with my larnies, with our wives cooking and the boys checking out our sound in our VW golf TDIs. At zoo lake.

If I was coloured, unless I was Trevor Noah, I would probably smash dooswyn and tik in my face whilst looking for people to stab. Just kidding, I would rebel against these type of people, and start an organisation to combat gangsterism and drugs, through gangsterism and drugs.

If I was black, I’d look at my bank balance. If I found I was rich, I would organise a shisnyama, slaughter a cow, spot some boobies and rock a leopard headress at my house party in Sunninghill. If I was poor, I’d probably be striking. If not, I’d try and get a job as a car guard at one of the Sunninghill house parties.

If I was Afrikaans- I’d have no choice. Braai, boet. Unless I was post-Bellville rock/hipster/indie Afrikaans, in which case I’d do something ironic and retro- like a poes.

If I was Portuguese, I’d be running the shop, as is my duty as firstborn. Be it laundry, grocery or butcher- no mere public holiday will stand in the way of my profitzzzzz

If I was gay, I’d be fabulous- and so would my garden party.

If I was transexual, I’d be confused about whether I belonged at the braai or in the kitchen.

If I was a foreigner, I’d use google maps to see which area I live in. If I don’t have google maps, I assume I’m living in an informal settlement and bar my doors and windows from xenophobic attacks.

In actual fact, I have no idea what I would do if I was a member of any of the groups above, mainly because I am a white English person. I plan on cooking meat, drinking beer and spending time with my friends. Have a great braai day champs.