Hola Mzanzi!
Unjani? I’m fine too, thanks for asking.
So on Monday it is our Heritage day, which despite what the Brits and Ozzies think, does not involve suppression of native tribes, colonisation and genocide. Generally we cook meat on a fire.
South Africa has 11 official languages, at least 8 different races, a healthy hermaphrodite community (Whassup Caster!) and at least one shemale, so our heritages are wide and varied.
If I was of Indian descent, I would probably spend the day with my larnies, with our wives cooking and the boys checking out our sound in our VW golf TDIs. At zoo lake.
If I was coloured, unless I was Trevor Noah, I would probably smash dooswyn and tik in my face whilst looking for people to stab. Just kidding, I would rebel against these type of people, and start an organisation to combat gangsterism and drugs, through gangsterism and drugs.
If I was black, I’d look at my bank balance. If I found I was rich, I would organise a shisnyama, slaughter a cow, spot some boobies and rock a leopard headress at my house party in Sunninghill. If I was poor, I’d probably be striking. If not, I’d try and get a job as a car guard at one of the Sunninghill house parties.
If I was Afrikaans- I’d have no choice. Braai, boet. Unless I was post-Bellville rock/hipster/indie Afrikaans, in which case I’d do something ironic and retro- like a poes.
If I was Portuguese, I’d be running the shop, as is my duty as firstborn. Be it laundry, grocery or butcher- no mere public holiday will stand in the way of my profitzzzzz
If I was gay, I’d be fabulous- and so would my garden party.
If I was transexual, I’d be confused about whether I belonged at the braai or in the kitchen.
If I was a foreigner, I’d use google maps to see which area I live in. If I don’t have google maps, I assume I’m living in an informal settlement and bar my doors and windows from xenophobic attacks.
In actual fact, I have no idea what I would do if I was a member of any of the groups above, mainly because I am a white English person. I plan on cooking meat, drinking beer and spending time with my friends. Have a great braai day champs.
Revolutionary Throwback 