So far my plan is working out perfectly.
It’s been three years in a row I have avoided buying chocolates for R 200 that would normally cost R 80.
Three years since I had to suffer the ignominy of a bearded man buying a teddy bear (as opposed to wrestling grizzly bears, which is the norm for bearded men)
Three years since I forgot to make a dinner reservation and spent close to my annual cellphone budget in one afternoon trying to get a booking in a restaurant.
Its been a pretty awesome three years. You know, apart from the crippling loneliness and hundreds of empty ice-cream containers.
I’m not hating on the lovebirds- if anything I’m… 13% jealous.
This year is going to be different.
This year I’m going to drive slowly down 4th Avenue in Parkhurst with a couple friends and a couple paintball guns. Holi festival came early bitches!
Just kidding- I don’t have friends with paintball guns. And if I do, they’re probably dining in Parkhurst on Thursday.
In reality, I’m going to invite between 3 and 5 hookers round, buy a pound of cocaine and fill a children’s swimming pool with KY Jelly. So what this post is about is asking all you wonderful, happy and most importantly attached people to help a single friend out.
Thanking you in advance.
In the real reality though, I’m going to find someone who deserves a good night- cook them a great dinner, feed them wine and then hope and pray they’re willing to watch a LoTR marathon with me.
Based on breaking news, my options for such a partner seem to be limited to ex-Benedict, Judy Sexwale, Vanessa Paradis or the blow-up sheep I got as a joke for my 21st.
My first choice- his ex-holiness. Do you think he’s a white or a red kind of guy?
Revolutionary Throwback 