I’m pretty awesome- but you already knew that, otherwise you wouldn’t be here reading this and you wouldn’t be racked with jealousy that emanates from your very core, almost crushing… Enough of that. This post is about me, not you.
I recently turned 29- and I thought it only worthy to perform an objective analysis of myself versus most other 29 year olds I know. You know, excluding those dudes who were already awesome when they were 5 (Mozart- who by the way was a complete perve and reeeeeaallllly liked farts) or those who were awesome by 19 (Steve Jobs) – no, I’m talking about run-of-the-mill awesome, like that kid who could ollie a dustbin in primary school or the first 11 year old to finger a girl in school (I’m from the border fo the West Rand, don’t judge- and big ups to Ryan Galloway)
So, in a completely scientific and well researched study conducted as i write this, I will explain to you my awesomeness.
1. Rock and Roll
I am fucking rock and roll. No literally, Rock drunk dials me almost every Thursday and Roll cleans my room just for the chance to taste my secret sauce. Most other 29 year olds twenty years ago gave up their dreams of making it big in the music ‘biz, but I’m still plugging away (hopefully plugs are the next ukuleles) and one day, I’ll be kind of a big deal. The height of my fame was reached when I stage-dived at the Brixton Academy after feeding my beer to the guitarist from the Dropkick Murphys, but the one festival I played was quite rad too.
2. Sexy Time
Besides the aforementioned slutbags Rock and Roll, I have had my fair share of lady loving. While I cannot compete on the man-loving stakes- I will happily sacrifice the title of “Most Hairy-nought Rimjobs” or “Most Shots Taken in The Ring” to the Rainbow Warriors, Poo-stabbers etc. Not that I have anything against gays (in fact, the opposite is true- nothing of mine is against gay people) but I prefer the sweet smelling, less hairy, boobalicious half of our species.
If my friends are anything to go by, the average 29 year old has slept with between 10 and 30 women. If this is the case then I am a Sex Jedi (These are the nuts you’ve been looking for). I have no idea how I do it, but I have had more than my share of partners, and I have (in some cases miraculously) escaped all STDs. I feel sorry for the dudes whose share of ladies I’ve stolen (Sorry Graeme) but in general, I am doing much better than the rest of my peers (lack of standards notwithstanding)
3. Money
I could not write this column before this year- mainly because I did not have this blog, but also because I had no money. Now I have a bit. About the same amount as most 29 year olds. Well played peers, well played- BUT – have you slept with hundreds of women and fed beer to an Irish-American Punk Rock Guitarist in London? I thought not. Now sit down.
4. Friends
According to Facebook, I have over 700 friends- at least 10 of which I actually know and I’m not actively stalking. Actually, I’m lucky in that I make friends easily (Hello Ladies!) and people seem to like me. No idea why… Oh wait- its because I’m Awesome.
At least 3 of my friends would take a bullet for me- because they’re in wheelchairs and I ensure I take them to any and all potentially dangerous places so I can push them in front of the bullet and later use their wheelchairs to fashion either weapons or getaway vehicles (One of the wheelchairs is electric, so I have plans for a Battlemech)
I think I beat most 29 year olds here too- because of the diverse, normalish, weird as fuck, funny, smart and downright sexy people I call my friends
5. Life Experience
In most cases, this entry would be exclusively about drugs. But seeing as you probably know me, I assume you have taken drugs, probably with me- and we can all agree that mostly, drugs are great.
How many 29 year olds can say they’ve survived a broken neck? I did. And I never even got treatment- true story. I got bounced off a jumping castle when i was 3 and landed on a rockery. I found out 11 years later when having Chuck-rays taken (X-rays not being strong enough to penetrate my awesome hide)
I’ve been to 12 countries, and most of them actually exist. I think once again i trump most of my peers.
Amsterdam however is still on the list. I know its not a country fuck-wits.
So as I reflect on the year ahead I know one thing: So far its been fucking awesome and I look forward to tons more fun with all of you beautiful people!
Revolutionary Throwback 