This will become relevant, trust me.
I said at the beginning of 2012 that I would make it a mission to see all of the international acts that came to my country this year.
Noble, you say? Yes.
Expensive, you say? Double yes.
Now let me make one thing clear before I slate some of your favourite artists- I fucking love music, and even have some songs of the artists I am about to slate on my current ipod playlist, so don’t tell me I’m taking it out of context or that I belong to a different sect or am the antichr- oh wait, that’s the theists who do that. Cheap shot.
No really, I love most music, but I’m about to explain why my noble resolution went to shit.
1. Little Dragon
I actually really like LD, but only started listening to them when I heard they were coming at the behest of my friend Kate.
I contemplated buying tickets but it was you, hipsters, who convinced me otherwise. I have slow reflexes and wouldn’t want my eyes poked out by waxed moustaches, feeling every contour of a strangers’ man-parts pressing into my leg through his skinny jeans and not being able to find parking because of all the fixie bikes. So fuck you, and fuck little dragon. Put that in your grandfather’s pipe and smoke it, bitch.
2. Bombay Bicycle Club
See above, only add the glaring light from the hipsters glasses frames blinding my sensitive eyes. In actual fact, I don’t even know if they did or are still coming to SA, I just shiver in fear of seeing all those horrible ironic chest piece tatts. Brrr. Mufasa.
3. Lady Gaga
I almost changed my mind when I saw a video of Lil Stephanie lighting up a fattie on stage in Holland, but then I got un-stoned. Lady Gaga is without a doubt a star- someone who markets themselves better than others of similar or more talent, much like my life in terms of music and writing. Are you reading this Harper-Collins and EMI? When is it my turn??
But Lady Gaga is also a fucking prawn- her music is filled with pop hooks and devoid of any substance, plus half the cockbags in South Africa are going to see her, along with ALL the lesbians and gays, and at least 72% of mindless “Little Monsters”
I have already proven that I know far too much about LG, so now on to another band starting with an “L”
4. Linkin Park
Be still my 1999 heart! Linkin Motherfucking Park!
10 years ago, this would have made me wet my pants, wring them out, leave them to dry and wet them again. But that was ten years ago. In the decade since then, LP have done their level best to sell out more than Green Day, Bon Jovi and U2 combined. And in many cases they have succeeded, but lack the talent to reach the success of these other ‘artists’
But it’s not the lack of relevance that irks me, it’s that the other 50% of douchebags have tickets to this concert- the more dangerous 50%. The ones with faded tribal tattoos who will view this concert as an excuse to go on “one more” coke binge, misunderstand the machinations of mosh pits and generally ruin whoever finds themselves next to them’s night. Douchebags. Wearing Ed hardy and Tapout T-shirts and screaming “Ke-rawwwwwwwling eeen muh skeeen!”
Fuck that.
5. The Drums
I don’t know who these people are and I am not afraid to admit it. My mind is open to being changed, but I sure as fuck am not amped judging by the people who are.
6. Bloc Party
If I could describe this band in one word, that word would be…
Bland.
Like plain oatmeal, or whole wheat toast.
As I am and have never been an “indie” kid, most of you will tell me that I don’t get it. I strenuously object. The Arctic Monkeys, Kooks, Babyshambles, Fratellis, Futureheads etc are all (I think) UK Indie bands that I would go and see, even fighting off the hipsters, but Bloc Party? Meh.
In fact- MEH.
Their songs, whilst well-crafted, do not stir my blood. They do not make my feet want to dance, nor my soul want to sing. They are pretty little tunes, but I do not think our kids and their kids will be idolising Kele and his crew 20 years from now, no sir.
Bands, and rock and roll- of which indie is a splinter faction- need to stir feelings, and the only feelings I feel when listening to Bloc Party are the feelings to change to a song that makes me care.
Sorry for all of the Bloc Party fans out there, and I know there are a lot of you- but I do not get it.
Enjoy watching Kele make out with men on stage and all, I’ll be somewhere in Jozi, devil horns raised and emotive, raw Rock and fucking Roll playing loud!
Please, Rock On!
Revolutionary Throwback 